1: Intro

I am starting this blog simply because I don't know what else to do. I know I am a Sociopath, or have strong sociopathic tendencies. Here is where it gets interesting, and for me very frustrating:

People don't believe me when I tell them: I am pretty sure I am a sociopath and need help.
They say things like: you are such a wonderful person - there is no way someone with a heart as good as yours can be a sociopath!
or: you have never shown any kind of unsocial behaviour with me and animals - you can't be a sociopath!
or: real sociopaths would never think about themselves as sociopaths, so you can't be one!

What if I tell you now, that everything I do is being carefully planned by me beforehand? The risks and rewards careefully layed out in my head.

My grandmother, when I was 9 years old, told me I had a black soul (yes, not just genetically speaking, she is one of the reasons I am in this situation) - ever since then I have been extremely vigilant to do a lot of things that leave no doubt of me being an absolutely good person. It got to a point, where I've practised helping others and speaking up for them basically as a sport - so I could tell myself: look at all the great things you are doing for others, there is no way you can be a bad person.

And now you see my first problem: I don't do things for others, unless I know I can use it or it pays off for me in any way (the person now being in my debt, me using it as evidance that I am a good person, ..)

I am almost 26 years old. My life started to really fall apart when highschool ended. I was in therapy for two years for depression. That is 3 years ago today. For the past year especially, I have put all my time and effort into getting better and working on my past. So I have taken on the role as my own observer. Yes, I even got a little spiritual there, meditate daily and just wanted to see things as they are, without judgement. I believe it is the spiritual work who helped me to dare to just look at myself with honesty. Through the process of seeing, I have worked through my childhood, forgave my family for how they treated me and basically did everything a person does when traveling into their inner world. Having worked through it all, making it through to the other end of the tunnel, I now find myself completely drive-less. I don't feel anything anymore (anger, frustration and the need to fix problems made me get up in the morning before). Without all the negativity and stress in my life - I have nothing. Even though I basically have it all!

I don't remember much of my childhood and youth. I do remember asking myself time and time again through the years though, if I was a psychopath.

Through this blog I am hoping to just make more sense of myself by writing it down. I could have done that privately, but seeing as there is literally NO sensible information for people in my situation that does not make them feel like monsters and evil creatures that cannot be cured, I am sharing my inner world with everyone who would like to listen.